are you also FRIGHTENED?

be-friend, be-foe, before, behind

you read my mind, you fucking read my mind.

my therapist asked me today "what is it about it that keeps you holding on?"
physicality? nope
lust? nope
its that connection, that motherfucking universal, can't let go, meant for something, connection.

don't flatter yourself its not that way. its a metaphorical weird sense of knowing. sense of wanting to learn what i know is there.

now i must replay the present over and over again to keep from getting lost in that light that shines in the corner of my mind. that place i always want to go to, you stand there making me unsure of everything. keep walking,

a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

i want to be someone else so i can explode

i feel this constant cringe of uncertainty, the following feeling of Thom Yorkes voice egging me on, fueling the fire that i have tried so hard to extinguish. my dreams on the other hand have been no help whatsoever, get out of my fucking head. as if everything wasn't so fickle already i can blame the prescription for the fact i slept through my doctor appointment.
what is it universe? what are you tring to expel?

this mindful vortex i have become sucked into is continuing to try to push and pull me in all these wacky configurations ... yoga it is.

"fitter, happier, more productive ..."

so be it, all the things i have been trying so hard at avoiding, all the bridges in my way, i'm lighting the match, i'm taking no prisoners, and i'm setting this fucking thing up in flames.
just watch me.

this time baby i'll be bulletproof.

lately is has been a task for me to drive more than 15 minutes without thinking about the constant thoughts running through all those who drive next to me. i have become incapable of driving past giant advertisements on the billboards peeking over the side of the road without thinking how much of a happier place this world would be if all those money-hungry posters were replaced with pieces of art, murals on every street, every light, instead of FORD you get a pleasant view of a one of a kind work of art. how on earth could everyone be so angry when they are constanly surrounded by beauty?

surrondings. such an underestimated aspect of life. who, what, wear, and when you surround yourself with others paves out the path you strut, where you go, and how alone you feel on the journey you have partaken in.

i have walked alone for so long, and now it feels quite nice to be able to walk alongside someone without having to wonder when the time will be that they decide to knock you unconscious and steal the last cup of change you've gathered. now all i have to do is work on accepting whats there, appreciating every bit, and fighting off the constant fear of being trampled once again.

wow.
wow wow wow wow wow.

that's all there is to it.

murder by numbers

i never wanted to have to depend on false biologically created seratonin to trek through each day.

but today it was so clear. i woke up out of my body.
i spent the entire day watching myself move, say, act, feel.
as if i had no control whatsoever, watching and calling out to the big screen while getting shushed by the audience.

but in the glimpse of light, maybe, just maybe theres a sign of the turning point :)

shit.
its been so long, i've been obsessed with the journal lately, writing what i want, instant gratification as the thoughts blooms from my mind, through my brain and out from my fingers onto paper.

updates soon to come.
for now im drunk, living, and ready for what comes next ...

life,
bring it.

bottles of wine induction ceremony

it amazes me that i am where i am right now.



where im sitting, in life, in this chair, right here, right now, with who, with whom.

holy fucking shit, for the first time in 10 years i have let practically a stranger read my intra-most personal pieces.

and he said it was good. now, for i all i know he could be lying (fucking men, always trying to tie their penis up) but for some reason, maybe, possibly, i believe him.

i'm trying here world, i really am, maybe a chef?
everyone else thinks so.
god fucking dammit i need a sign so fucking bad.

p.p.s

i spent the entire day at work googling "free stuff on my birthday".
i now am on the mailing list of entirely too many people
BUT
im gonna get HOOKED up, fuck yeah.

black in

i have shuffled through so many people in my short-lived life and it has made me realize the funks i get into. i can now recognize them, the effects, the tole it takes on my mind, the blackouts, yet, with understanding comes zero prevention. those who have stayed with me understand its a problem, but work with me. i am trying to work too, but if you can't deal then you can't deal, i understand, im sorry, please don't, but it its your hands.

its a crazy windy fucking whirlwind, my life. it always has been and it only continues to speed up.
but it works out, i promise.
but only if you stick around.


ps. for anyone who understands the severity of the panic will find this funny: in a state of off-mindedness via panic induced blackouts i signed up for culinary school and the peace corps. hahaha completely oblivious until both continue to blow up my phone for the next two days. there's an entertaining one for you folks.

yet, one of them is looking pretty tempting right about now, who knows? :)